


I Didn't Order This Gifthorse

by JoseyxNeko



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: BAMF!Aziraphale, Bastard!Aziraphale, Besotted!Gabriel, Comedy, Crack, Drinking, Gabriel please stop talking, Gifts, Guessing Games, Humor, I was sad so I wrote something that made me laugh, I wrote 2700 words because I was sad, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Kinda, M/M, Other, POV Aziraphale (Good Omens), Snake!Crowley - Freeform, Sort Of, Swearing, The Least Beelzebub I've ever written I swear, This needs more Beelzebub I won't lie, What is my life?, is this crack? i think this is crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 14:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20725628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoseyxNeko/pseuds/JoseyxNeko
Summary: Gabriel is visiting Aziraphale at his bookshop.“Gabriel, why don’t you talk with the other Angels about this? If Crowley catches you here-” Aziraphale stopped himself. He didn’t want to think of the altercation that would undoubtedly ensue.“Oh come, Aziraphale, I can’t talk to them about this. They’d never understand.” Gabriel scoffed.“And what makes you think I would understand?” Aziraphale replied primly.“You’ve got your Demon.” Gabriel pointed out.Gabriel seeks advice from Aziraphale after the apocalypseA standalone story. With Headcanons.





	I Didn't Order This Gifthorse

**Author's Note:**

> So, as the tags state, I was sad so I wrote a funny story.
> 
> I was sad because Beelzebub died in a Human!AU I was reading. This was meant to be a fluffy Beelzebub story, but this is what I ended up with instead.
> 
> At least I'm not sad anymore!
> 
> Please enjoy :)

Gabriel is visiting Aziraphale at his bookshop.

“Gabriel, why don’t you talk with the other Angels about this? If Crowley catches you here-” Aziraphale stopped himself. He didn’t want to think of the altercation that would undoubtedly ensue.

“Oh come, Aziraphale, I can’t talk to them about this. They’d never understand.” Gabriel scoffed.

“And what makes you think _I_ would understand?” Aziraphale replied primly.

“You’ve got your Demon.” Gabriel pointed out.

Aziraphale’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink. “My Demon- I mean, Crowley, is a friend- an Acquaintance. A frienemy? Where on Earth did I pick _that_ up from?” He looked confused at himself.

“Oh Angel, you’re breaking my heart.”

Aziraphale’s head snapped to look at the front door, but there was no one there. _Of course not, the bell hadn’t even rung_. He looked around the shop. Where had Crowley’s voice come from??

“Crowley?” He called out.

There was an ominous hissing noise that sounded like laughter.

“Gabriel, I think you’d better go-” He turned to the Archangel, and gasped.

Crowley, in snake form, had slithered up behind Gabriel, unhinged his jaw, and was preparing to wrap his mouth around the Archangel’s neck.

Gabriel stood there in ignorance. “If your Demon’s here, then he can hear this too. I could use his advice.”

He was completely oblivious to the exchange that was happening between Angel and Demon in this moment.

Aziraphale’s eyes were wide open, and he was shaking his head minutely.

Crowley, jaw still unhinged, and head turned sideways to better snap at Gabriel, was nodding away insistently. 

Aziraphale narrowed his eyes, and shook his head more vigorously this time.

Gabriel looked at him confused, turned to look over his shoulder, then back to look at the Angel again.

Crowley moved behind Gabriel’s head, to be just out of his sight the whole time.

Aziraphale’s heart was in his throat.

“Aziraphale. Heaven to Aziraphale.” Gabriel waved his hand in front of his face, trying to regain his attention.

Aziraphale moved to view around Gabriel’s waving hand to further glare at the ridiculous snake miming biting actions at the Archangel’s neck.

“Ohh, you- you cut that out!” Aziraphale huffed angrily.

Gabriel dropped his hand to his side with a sigh. “Aziraphale. Can we please get back to the matter at hand?”

Aziraphale reached out to swat Crowley on his snout. Gabriel stood back suddenly, thinking it was an attack on him, and Crowley mimicked the movement perfectly. He let his tongue loll out the corner of his mouth like a dogs, and rolled his eyes around comically. Aziraphale burst out laughing. It was the most absurd thing he’d ever seen!

The snakes face went serious suddenly. His form coiled inwards, and sprang toward Gabriel as if to strike.

Aziraphale lunged forward in shock. “N-noOO!” He gasped.

Gabriel jumped backwards again, this time bumping into Crowley’s human form, which draped an arm over his shoulder.

“I hear you could use my advice?” He said in a sultry voice in Gabriel’s ear.

Now Gabriel gasped, jumping away from Crowley, and rubbing his hand over his sensitive ear, looking at him affronted.

Aziraphale breathed a sigh of relief. Crowley was just messing around. He wouldn’t be as reckless as to pick a fight with an actual Archangel, would he?

Oh dear. He would.

Crowley grabbed the front of Gabriel’s suit in both hands, and thrust him up against the nearest pillar. It rattled, and some dust fell down at the sheer force used.

Gabriel didn’t even blink.

“Demon!” He said, cheerfully. “What kind of gifts do Demons like to receive?”

Crowley held fast, ignoring the Archangel’s words. “You don’t get to just show up here acting all chummy, asking questions about gifts. You tried to _kill_ ‘im! You stood and glared with cold eyes, and told him to ‘_shut up and die already_’-”

“Crowley...” Aziraphale huffed.

“-you were going to erase him from existence. He’d be gone. Poof! The best Angel of all of you-” He continued to hiss in Gabriel’s face.

“Crowley.” Aziraphale said more firmly.

“-he was always too good for you. Too good for Heaven. Too good for ‘_Her’-!”_

“_Crowley!_” Aziraphale snapped, grabbed him by the back of his jacket and yanked him backwards.

Crowley stumbled, and caught himself on the desk. He looked shocked. Aziraphale hadn’t even moved to brace himself before throwing him halfway across the room. He didn’t have a shoelace out of place.

Gabriel was still smiling like an idiot. “Demon,” he approached Crowley, and put a hand on either side of his shoulders, “I have met the most wonderful person. They are exactly the right height to hold to my heart. They’re always ruthlessly honest with me; none of that fake camaraderie that I’m used to in Heaven-” he shot Aziraphale a look here, who just rolled his eyes and walked towards them, fussing with the cuffs on his sleeves, “They send me notes to meet with them, and then we spend hours and hours just talking and rubbing our bodies against each other-!”

“_What?!_” Crowley spluttered, looking quite honestly terrified of the excessively happy Archangel who was now pulling him into a bear hug.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes, and placed his head in his hands.

“I’m so in love!” Gabriel declared joyously, rocking Crowley left to right. He really looked like he might self-discorporate, just to get out of there.

“This!” Aziraphale huffed. “This is what I’ve been putting up with for the last hour. Thank goodness you’re here Crowley, so you can bear the brunt of his affections instead!”

Crowley made a squeaking noise, having the air squeezed out of him by a lovesick Gabriel.

“..._why_...?” He managed to choke out with the last of the air in his lungs. Honestly, that could’ve been with regards to absolutely anything that had happened here within the last few minutes, so Aziraphale just ignored it.

“Gabriel,” Aziraphale tapped on the Archangel’s shoulder, “would you mind letting the Wily Old Serpent go? Although our corporations don’t necessarily _need_ to breathe, it can be quite uncomfortable when restricted so thoroughly.”

Gabriel had been staring off in the middle distance with a besotted look on his face, completely unaware that he was even holding Crowley. He looked down at him, and with a quick realisation let him go. Crowley gasped in redundant breaths as he increased the space between him and the Archangel. Aziraphale moved to stand by his side.

“Angel,” Crowley wheezed, “when I say this, I say it with all the sincerity in the world; _what the FUCK is going on?!_”

“Gabriel’s got a crush.” Aziraphale said matter-of-factly.

“Obviously!” Crowley spat. “Why is he here?”

“He wanted some advice.” Aziraphale said dryly.

“Why from _you_?” Crowley was trying his utmost best not to hiss, the dear.

“My lover is a Demon!” Gabriel proclaimed happily.

“A- a Demon?! Aziraphale, please, I’m not drunk enough for this.” Crowley whimpered, tugging at the Angel’s sleeve like a lost child. Aziraphale pat his hand sympathetically.

“I wanted advice on _gifts_.” Gabriel repeated from earlier. “Our one month anniversary is coming up, and I want to surprise them with something nice.”

“Something _nice_? For a Demon?? You don’t get Demons something _nice_.” Crowley spluttered.

Gabriel looked put out. “That’s why I’m here.” He said, earnestly. “You two have got whatever _this_ is going on,” he waved his hand flippantly, “and I’m sure Aziraphale has gotten you gifts before. I was looking for suggestions.”

Crowley and Aziraphale looked at each other. Aziraphale put on his best pleading eyes to get him to help in this situation. Crowley looked between his Angel and Gabriel, then back again, and let out a frustrated cry.

“_Fine!_ Fine.”

Gabriel smiled widely, expectant.

“It’ll help if I know who this Demon is.” Crowley massaged his temples with one hand.

Gabriel went to open his mouth, but Aziraphale put his hand up to stop him from speaking.

“Oh no, no. It’ll be more fun if you guess.” Aziraphale said knowingly.

Crowley looked like he needed that drink again. “_Fun_?” He finally hissed.

“I’ve been putting up with this longer than you have. Humour me, please.” Aziraphale said sternly.

Crowley swallowed. “Fine.” He pouted. It was the sweetest thing.

Gabriel had a smirk on his face.

“What kind of things does this _Demon_ like?” Crowley asked with an inflection.

“Don’t make it too obvious!” Aziraphale warned the Archangel. Gabriel just gave him _that_™ look.

“Dominating me?” He answered, trying to be helpful.

“AZIRAPHALE. DRINK.” Crowley nearly screamed.

He was already heading to the liquor cabinet. “Scotch or Bourbon-?”

“WHATEVER IS STRONG.” Crowley hissed.

Aziraphale hurriedly poured a couple of drinks. Crowley looked at the two glasses with a raised eyebrow. “One’s for me.” The Angel gave a small smile, and sipped at his tumbler.

Crowley tried again. “Objects? Hobbies?” He directed at Gabriel, who went to answer, when Crowley quickly added. “Sex is not a hobby!”

Gabriel seemed to rethink his response. Crowley knocked his drink back. Aziraphale refilled it for him, keeping the decanter in hand just in case.

Gabriel really seemed to be having difficulty coming up with an answer.

“You’ve been together nearly a month. Don’t you know what their interests are?” Aziraphale prompted, trying to be helpful.

Gabriel shrugged. “They don’t talk about themselves much.”

Crowley’s ears twitched, taking in the information. That bit of knowledge couldn’t have been too helpful in deducing who the Demon was. Aziraphale was sure many Demons didn’t talk about themselves.

“They don’t talk much at all, actually.” Gabriel continued.

_Damn_. That’s a bit more specific.

The corner of Crowley’s mouth twitched, and he now sipped at his glass. “Would this _Demon_ be interested if you were to get them, oh, I don’t know, a new article of clothing?” He offered.

Gabriel’s brow wrinkled. “They seem quite set on their current clothes.”

“Hmm...” Crowley drawled, thoughtful.

Aziraphale loved watching the cogs in Crowley’s mind turning. He smiled to himself. What a fun game to come up with. _‘Who is shtupping the Archangel Fucking Gabriel?’_

“Hell can be quite bleak...” Crowley began.

“I think they like it bleak.” Gabriel countered.

“Still. You could get them a plant for their desk? Aziraphale gifts me plants.” Crowley smiled at his Angel, who smiled warmly back. He knew for a fact that the Demon didn’t yell at the plants he gifted him. Well, not as much as the others, anyway.

“Definitely not. They hate plants. They are literally repulsed by plants.” Gabriel shook his head.

Crowley choked on his next mouthful of alcohol, seemingly knowing exactly who it was that was ‘dominating’ Gabriel. He coughed through it, Aziraphale not being able to withhold his smile.

“You- you’re a bastard.” Crowley coughed at him.

“I know.” Aziraphale said brightly.

“_Beelzebub?!_” Crowley hissed at Gabriel. “That’s who you’re in love with? Beelzebub?!?”

Gabriel frowned. “That’s _Lord_ Beelzebub to you.”

“Why? You’re doing it with the Prince of Hell, Lord of the Flies. What does it matter what I call them!?” Crowley raged, continuing with a thought, “What do _you_ call them?”

Gabriel smiled dreamily. “Beelz.”

Crowley gagged. Aziraphale slapped his back as if he was choking again, knowing full well he wasn’t. The bastard.

“What do they call you?” The Angel asked politely, hoping Crowley was paying attention to the answer.

Gabriel blushed furiously. Crowley snatched the decanter from Aziraphale’s hand, and started to chug.

“Crowley, no, that’s the good stuff!” He snatched it back annoyed, returning it to the liquor case.

“That’s, uh, that’s private...” Gabriel stuttered quietly, red from his collar to his ears.

“So, Crowley. What can Gabriel get Beelzebub as a gift?” Aziraphale asked nicely.

Crowley just looked at him dumbly.

“If you tell him, he’ll leave us alone.” Aziraphale muttered through gritted teeth.

“CoffeEE!” Crowley squealed suddenly, his voice raising a few octaves.

“Coffee?” Gabriel looked disgusted.

“Yup. Coffee. Loves the stuff. Did you know there’s a Starbucks in Hell? My idea.” He turned to Aziraphale, and said smugly, “Got a commendation for it!”

Gabriel looked thoughtful. “Coffee, huh...?”

“Might I suggest Jamaican Blue Mountain? It’s on the list of best Coffee’s in the world.” Aziraphale added. “Just miracle yourself some in. It tastes just as good as the real thing.”

“Ok. Thanks!” Gabriel smiled brightly, and began to turn away. He paused, and turned back to the odd pair. “Do you think that’ll be enough? I really want them to return my affections.”

Crowley, bless him, really looked pensive about it, before adding. “A whetstone.”

“A what?” Gabriel looked confused. Ah, here was an Angel that hadn’t been on Earth during the medieval times.

“A whetstone.” Aziraphale chimed in. “It’s used for sharpening blades. Why the Devil would the Prince of Hell need one of those?” He turned to Crowley and wrinkled his nose.

“You don’t want to know.” Crowley shuddered. “They’ll know what to do with it. You’ve got your answer, now get lost!” He waved the Archangel away. This really had been quite the trying ordeal for the poor Demon.

Gabriel smiled brightly again, strode across the room towards them, and hugged them both tightly at the same time. They were squished together, which Aziraphale quite liked, but it was marred by fact Gabriel was right there. He let them go, and walked towards the entrance, turning back one more time.

“I’ll let you know how it goes!” He said cheerily, before opening the door, the bell ringing his exit.

“Please don’t!” Aziraphale called out, the door closing on the last syllable. He breathed a sigh of relief. “That was very kind of you, thank you.” He beamed at Crowley, who was squinting at him through his sunglasses. “...what?”

“You have some explaining to do.” Crowley was quiet.

It made Aziraphale nervous. “Wh-whatever do you mean?” He fidgeted with his hands.

Crowley grabbed him by his lapels and pushed him up against the same pillar he’d pushed Gabriel against earlier. Aziraphale also didn’t blink, or look surprised. Just a little uneasy.

Crowley looked appalled. “You let me move you! You let me shove you against the wall! You- you threw me across the room earlier without even exerting a little effort!”

Aziraphale tittered, and gently took Crowley’s hands from his clothes and pushed him away. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Wh- why- how- WHY?” Crowley stuttered, unable to hide his bewilderment.

“Crowley you’re being absurd.” Aziraphale rolled his eyes, and began walking towards the back room. Something suddenly hit him hard against his back. He wouldn’t have noticed it had it not been for the grunt of the Demon throwing himself at him with all his might. “What _are_ you doing??” He turned to see Crowley in a pile on the floor. He huffed, annoyed, and helped the Demon up.

“You’re- you’re an immovable object.” Crowley said in disbelief.

Aziraphale pursed his lips. “Well of course. I _am_ an Angel.” He said primly. “And have you seen me? Built like a bloody brick wall, thank you God.” He looked up to the ceiling.

“Are all...?” Crowley began, unable to finish his question.

Aziraphale knew what he was asking. “Most of us, yes. Gabriel, too, if you must know. He was humouring you earlier when you pushed him- oh don’t look so distraught my dear. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

Crowley was pacing, a hand strewn across his face.

“Why...why would you let me do that to you? I’ve done it so many times. The convent!” Crowley threw his hands up in the air in despair.

“If you _must_ know,” Aziraphale began, walking over to the Demon, “I rather enjoy it when you do.”

Crowley froze.

Aziraphale patted him on the cheek as he walked past. “Take your time, dear.” He walked into the back room, and started shuffling things about.

A few minutes passed, when Crowley called out “Would you like me to do it again?” his voice cracking.

“Ooh, yes please.”

Crowley ran into the back room.

\--

A few days later, Gabriel burst through the doors of the shop, the bell almost flying off its perch.

“They LOVED them!” He announced grandly. “They return gifted me a collar and leash! It fits me perfectly!”

Aziraphale and Crowley had been cuddling on the sofa in the back room. Crowley nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden intrusion. Aziraphale just pursed his lips again.

“Oh sod this.” He snapped his fingers, and they were in Paris eating crêpes.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what came over me.
> 
> My Headcanons:
> 
> The Demons of Hell are addicted to Coffee. Crowley's fault, of course.
> 
> Beelzebub has duel Sabres. Y'know. Because why not?
> 
> I laughed so much writing this.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you enjoyed, as it fuels my creativity. Kudos are appreciated too :)
> 
> You can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/joseyxneko).  



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